Absolutely True Astrology

CAPRICORN
Dec 22 – Jan 19
Venus is in your sights this month, which means you’ll wake up with a Virgo in a slightly leaky tent after a night of unsatisfying awkward sex. Best to find yourself a Taurian and move states.

AQUARIUS
Jan 20 – Feb 18
With your harmonic chart in orbit and your fixie freshly serviced, this month is going to be a barrel of laughs. My tip? Hide your contraband in your beard!

PISCES
Feb 19 – Mar 20
The culmination of the outer planets means you are totally up the creek without a paddle. And don’t forget: marijuana is a gateway drug.

ARIES
Mar 21 – Apr 19
This month you will be surrounded by swirling energies and the polar magnetic currents suggest many people will be migrating to you. It might be because of your strength and the alignment of the moons — however, as the planets shift and your cocaine disappears, so too will your new allies.

TAURUS
Apr 20 – May 20
The music of the spheres commands a Uranus opposition, suggesting this summer will be a highly social one. The keys to getting through the festival season unscathed will be quality, not quantity. This Month prepare by booking in an STD checkup. 

GEMINI
May 21 – Jun 20
The eleventh house comes into play this month. Coupled with your resourceful and quick-witted ways, you should easily be able to blag your way into any festival after-party, pick up whoever you want and score any paraphernalia needed to have a good time… Basically, you’ll be a smug bastard. 

CANCER
Jun 21 – Jul 22
When Mars, the planet of action, comes into alignment, you’ll feel like you have unlimited energy reserves. Well, it could be Mars, but it’s more likely that little bag you found an hour ago on the dance floor.

LEO
Jul 23 – Aug 22
Your lucky number is 1004 and the colour to avoid in daylight hours is green. If you follow this advice religiously you won’t have a shit time and annoy the hell out of everyone else. Oh, and remember this, Leo: Celestial Poles are very different to camping poles. 

VIRGO
Aug 23 – Sept 22
Being a male air element (regardless of your sex) you will feel a strong affinity for a Capricorn in the early summer months. This will build into a full-blown obsession of stalker proportions. Bookmark Facebook NOW! 

LIBRA
Sept 23 – Oct 22
I’ve been measuring up the summer ahead in your House of Circle and your mantra for survival this year should be to get as drunk as possible. This month experiment with Whisky.

SCORPIO
Oct 23 – Nov 21
Ascending nodes and spiritual values are weighing heavily on your mind, and there’s nothing you can do about it. Go and get loose with a Libran. 

SAGITTARIUS 
Nov 22 – Dec 21
Heliacal Rising really does make you a total bitch to be around. Best to piss off alone and go to some obscure European festival, where no one will be able to understand what you’re banging on about.